Thursday, May 10, 2012

On feeling terrible

When I started this blog, it was with the fullest intention to focus on creativity, Buddhism, healing, recovery and that there would be no whining.

But being open to the process, I find the most important thing I have to share is the possibility that it does get worse before it gets better. And that things may indeed be worse for a while.
So this is one of the times I feel worse. I've been warned. But I had held out hope I might be one of those lucky ones who once they get started with this approach to adrenal healing just feel better and better.

Thought I had a stomach virus last week. Whatever it was set me back, energy wise. I had already become used to not being dizzy, which was a huge relief after embarking on the supplementation regime. But the disequibrium came back, along with this completely new sensation of being stunned. And I mean that quite literally. Like when you stand up under a bunk bed and crack yourself on the top of the skull, and the shock and weakness goes right for you crown through your spine into your toes.

And I'm feeling that each time I stand up. What is disconcerting is that I thought I had pretty well catalogued the different ways this condition could make me feel terrible. And that familiarity at least had its own comfort. Each had its corresponding coping strategy, if not a remedy. This is completely new. And without energy, the hallmark deficit of the condition, I don't have the emotional barriers to cope with it rationally.

So last night the only thing I could do was keep saying to myself, you just have to get through this one moment. Just one moment at any given time.

Really a challenge not to just lie here and worry.

That was last week. Spent the time since then resting as much as I could. Still rose to take one brief walk each day, eat with family, do dishes, small stuff. Took a break from the supplements. While that break has alleviated the stunned feeling, it meant a return of other (gut) discomforts.

When I started out with an interest in Buddhism, I was sure I was like the first horse from the teaching story, the one that takes off the minute it hears about the Dharma (old age, sickenss and death). But now I feel like the fourth horse, which is interested Dharma because of the immediate effects of old age, sickness and death to its own every other dodge, coping strategy, masking attempt in life has not panned out, things are breaking down, and this is the last option. I wonder if we don't all wind up as the fourth horse, in some fashion, as we get old.


  1. Dear "Stonecutter" - I empathize... I reached a very non-functioning place as well - very scary actually - really thought I was dying. I found I could not take recommended regimens of supplements because it was too much for the body. Had to try one at a time and then add what I could. Had to use food as medicine. The adrenals seem to like oils, like walnut oil, or olive oil on salads, etc. And very simple foods. With AF, as you have discovered, the body becomes over sensitized to *everything* - has more "reaction"- like major responses to what for most people is normally benign. I took a vitamin complex once and it nearly did me in... My body (nervous system) would often feel like it was in shock (stunned as you called it) - always feeling vulnerable and unable to cope. Treatment really needs to be customized - not one size fits all.

    I think you mentioned doing acupuncture before (if you didn't I apologize for the assumption) but I found that to be too invasive and actually threw the body into crisis, which of course the adrenals didn't like :) So ended up doing energy work type things, like Jin Shyn Jitsu (?sp) - working energetically with meridian points to rebalance the body - with energetically "clean" people. It's much gentler. Also did some Qi Gong - *as tolerated* - not full routines. And of course, as you know, lots and lots of "downtime." "Spiritual practice" became almost non-existent, as I felt like I was in survival mode most of the time. Although spending time in silence and deep rest became my "practice." And I had to *embrace* the fact that "suffering" was happening in this body; that it was not just a mental construct.

    Wishing you peace and wellness... Christine

    1. Wow, Christine, thanks so much for your full response. So much of that sounds so familiar. Fortunately acupuncture and moxa are working for me as an integral part of my recovery so far. Definitely am still at the stage of metering out my energy through the day, and having to recognize that a good day can turn on a dime into a tough day if I overspend that energy. Or eat the wrong thing. Or eat too late. This week was all about learning not only that I can no longer digest gluten, even gluten free oatmeal is not going to work. And raw veggies are out so now I am learning how to cook down greens. Learning to love a good cooked carrot or squash.

      Forgive me that I'm not sure if you are still in recovery or consider yourself out of the woods. Either way I thank you and wish you peace and wellness also.

    2. Sometimes still in the woods :) and sometimes feel delightfully "recovered" - but still learning to manage life as it is... Thanks!

  2. This is so true:

    "And without energy, the hallmark deficit of the condition, I don't have the emotional barriers to cope with it rationally. "

    That was what I was experiencing last week and I made it through and even felt my mind and heart crack open wider to true healing/restoration. Now that the crashing fatigue and anxiety has lifted I can begin to focus on the stuff that surfaced during the darker days. Such a journey, so full and wonderful and confusing at times:).

    1. So glad to hear you're feeling better. I started feeling like I was going down that path again yesterday so taking a break againt today from the supps. May call Sunday my "break" day from now on. I actually walked around the block two days in a row, and today I sat in the pool for about five minutes at the elks. Never thought those would feel like such accomplishments.

      You are living your healing as a proces and a learning journey, I want you to know how much I respect that and feel supported knowing we're not alone dealing with AF!

    2. I think Sunday is an excellent day to call your "break" day! Hey, just getting out the door for fresh air is an accomplishment in my book:) I took a walk yesterday and did part of it barefoot. That meant I had to walk much slower and in a way I felt so grounded and soothed by the pace and being closer to the earth. It's the little things.

      Thanks for your encouragement and kind words:).

    3. De nada. And I love the concept odd barefoot walking, will try that a bit soon.